Date: Thu, 5 Apr 2001 12:47:19 -0400 (Est (heure d'été)) From: Red Light District Subject: BLAGUES-L: Twenty Basic Rules For Driving In Montreal [ As a Montrealer myself, I can assure you that this is what happens here. (/jg) ] Date: Mon, 12 Feb 2001 09:48:37 -0500 From: Philippe Reid From: Marc de Montigny Basic Rules For Driving In Montreal 1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Montreal driver never uses them. 2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow. 4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. 5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs. 6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels. 7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. Quebec is a no-fault insurance province and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose. 8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs. 9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway. 10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the Montreal area during rush hour. 11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Montreal driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. 12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Montreal. 13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. 14. Learn to swerve abruptly. Montreal is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the SAAQ, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. 15. It is traditional in Montreal to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. 16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. 17. Remember that the goal of every Montreal driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary. 18. Real Montreal women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic. 19. Real Montreal men drivers can remove their girlfriend's panties and bra at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic. 20. In the Montreal area, flipping someone the bird is considered a Quebec salute. This gesture should always be returned.