Date: Fri, 16 Jun 2000 09:35:04 -0400 (EDT) From: Plant Food Subject: BLAGUES-L: The Little Man Date: Fri, 07 Apr 2000 22:23:50 -0600 From: E.W. Smith Greetings, Everyone: Hope you enjoy this one from my old friend Basil of Edmonton. Earle - Grande Prairie AB -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so mad I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one!" The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?" So the man begins his tale: "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blonde slinks in, and actually sits beside ME at the bar. I thought WOW, this has never happened before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come TRUE. Well, a couple of minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm INTERESTED? I couldn't believe this was happening! I managed to nod my head YES, so she grabs my hand, and starts walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good to be true!" "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon as she shut the door she slipped out of her dress. That was all she was wearing! I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door." "The blonde says 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match tonight, he's gonna be REAL MAD! Quick, HIDE!'" "So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, TOO. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me." The bartender says, "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point." "Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out 'Who you been sleeping with now, bitch?' The girl says 'Nobody, honey, now come to bed and calm down.' Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh Shit, I'm dead meat now'. But the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking." "Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the asshole pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!" The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE." "No, that didn't really BOTHER me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass." The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so UPSET." "No, that WASN'T what really pissed me off." The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss you off?" "Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"