Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1999 23:44:47 -0400 (EDT)
From: For whom the bill gates
Subject: BLAGUES-L: A Microsoft patent

Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1999 21:44:18 -0400
From: Alain Thériault
From: www.theonion.com

REDMOND, WA--In what CEO Bill Gates called "an unfortunate but necessary
step to protect our intellectual property from theft and exploitation by
competitors," the Microsoft Corporation patented the numbers one and zero
Monday. 
      With the patent, Microsoft's rivals are prohibited from
manufacturing or selling products containing zeroes and ones--the
mathematical building blocks of all computer languages and
programs--unless a royalty fee of 10 cents per digit used is paid to the
software giant. 
      "Microsoft has been using the binary system of ones and zeroes ever
since its inception in 1975," Gates told reporters. "For years, in the
interest of the overall health of the computer industry, we permitted the
free and unfettered use of our proprietary numeric systems. However,
changing marketplace conditions and the increasingly predatory practices
of certain competitors now leave us with no choice but to seek
compensation for the use of our numerals." 
      A number of major Silicon Valley players, including Apple Computer,
Netscape and Sun Microsystems, said they will challenge the Microsoft
patent as monopolistic and anti-competitive, claiming that the
10-cent-per-digit licensing fee would bankrupt them instantly. 
      "While, technically, Java is a complex system of algorithms used to
create a platform-independent programming environment, it is, at its core,
just a string of trillions of ones and zeroes," said Sun Microsystems CEO
Scott McNealy, whose company created the Java programming environment used
in many Internet applications. "The licensing fees we'd have to pay
Microsoft every day would be approximately 327,000 times the total net
worth of this company." 
      "If this patent holds up in federal court, Apple will have no choice
but to convert to analog," said Apple interim CEO Steve Jobs, "and I have
serious doubts whether this company would be able to remain competitive
selling pedal-operated computers running software off vinyl LPs." 
      As a result of the Microsoft patent, many other companies have begun
radically revising their product lines: Database manufacturer Oracle has
embarked on a crash program to develop "an abacus for the next
millennium."  Novell, whose communications and networking systems are also
subject to Microsoft licensing fees, is working with top animal trainers
on a chimpanzee-based message-transmission system. Hewlett-Packard is
developing a revolutionary new steam-powered printer. 
      Despite the swarm of protest, Gates is standing his ground,
maintaining that ones and zeroes are the undisputed property of Microsoft. 
      "We will vigorously enforce our patents of these numbers, as they
are legally ours," Gates said. "Among Microsoft's vast historical archives
are Sanskrit cuneiform tablets from 1800 B.C. clearly showing ones and a
symbol known as 'sunya,' or nothing. We also own: papyrus scrolls written
by Pythagoras himself in which he explains the idea of singular notation,
or 'one'; early tracts by Mohammed ibn Musa al Kwarizimi explaining the
concept of al-sifr, or 'the cipher'; original mathematical manuscripts by
Heisenberg, Einstein and Planck; and a signed first-edition copy of
Jean-Paul Sartre's Being And Nothingness. Should the need arise, Microsoft
will have no difficulty proving to the Justice Department or anyone else
that we own the rights to these numbers." 
      Added Gates: "My salary also has lots of zeroes. I'm the richest man
in the world." 
      According to experts, the full ramifications of Microsoft's
patenting of one and zero have yet to be realized. 
      "Because all integers and natural numbers derive from one and zero,
Microsoft may, by extension, lay claim to ownership of all mathematics and
logic systems, including Euclidean geometry, pulleys and levers, gravity,
and the basic Newtonian principles of motion, as well as the concepts of
existence and nonexistence," Yale University theoretical mathematics
professor J. Edmund Lattimore said. "In other words, pretty much
everything." 
      Lattimore said that the only mathematical constructs of which
Microsoft may not be able to claim ownership are infinity and
transcendental numbers like pi. Microsoft lawyers are expected to file
liens on infinity and pi this week. 
      Microsoft has not yet announced whether it will charge a user fee to
individuals who wish to engage in such mathematically rooted motions as
walking, stretching and smiling. 
      In an address beamed live to billions of people around the globe
Monday, Gates expressed confidence that his company's latest move will,
ultimately, benefit all humankind. 
      "Think of this as a partnership," Gates said. "Like the ones and
zeroes of the binary code itself, we must all work together to make the
promise of the computer revolution a reality. As the world's richest, most
powerful software company, Microsoft is number one. And you, the millions
of consumers who use our products, are the zeroes." 


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