Date: Wed, 23 Dec 1998 11:49:08 -0500 (EST) From: Four Calling Birds Subject: BLAGUES-L: 12 days of Christmas [ The twelve days of Christmas are the twelve days between Christmas and Epiphany (January 6th), which is when the three wise men supposedly arrived on the scene. It is NOT the twelve days before Christmas as many erroneously believe. The tradition of giving a gift on each of the twelve days is pretty much gone. However, in some families, the tradition of giving Christmas gifts on each of those twelve days persists. Most people know of The Twelve Days of Christmas from the song of that name. More details on the song (and this joke) at http://www.cvc.org/christmas/12days.htm ] 12 Days of Christmas December 26 My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes ======================================================== December 27 Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes =========================================================== December 28 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. All my love, Agnes =========================================================== December 29 Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes =========================================================== December 30 Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes ========================================================== December 31 Dear John: When I opened the door today there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes ========================================================== January 1 John: What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds. Sincerely, Agnes ========================================================== January 2 O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Leave me alone. NO MORE OF YOUR "GIFTS". Agnes ========================================================== January 3 Hey, Vacuum-for-a-brain: What are you? Some kind of freak? Now there's nine ladies dancing...right in the smelly you-know-what and tracking it all over my house. The way they've been bickering with the milk maids, I hesitate to even call them ladies. You'll get yours, buddy. Agnes ========================================================== January 4 You rotten piece of cow patty: What's with the ten lords a-leaping? I have threatened to break their legs so that they can never leap again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the leapers, the dancers, and the cows. At least, I don't have to worry about them any more. However, the cows are mooing all night having gotten diarrhea. My living room is a sewer! The City Commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause why my house shouldn't be condemned. I'm filing a complaint to the police about you! One who means it. =========================================================== January 5 Listen, brainless: Now there's eleven pipers piping. And they never stop piping...except when they're chasing those maids or dancing girls. The cows are getting very upset and are sounding worse than the birds ever did. What am I going to do? There is a petition going around to evict me from the neigborhood. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes =========================================================== January 6 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Sara Truelove. The damage, of course, was total. She was found beating her head against the wall to the beat of the twelve drums. If you should attempt to reach Miss Truelove at Happy Glen Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Law Firm of Sue, Pillage, and Plunder