Date: Thu, 9 Jan 1997 00:41:29 -0500 (EST) From: Modern Things Subject: BLAGUES-L: English Language Humour Un peu long, ce matin. Ca se feuillette. Il y a plusieurs textes... Collage 295 H u m o u r N e t 19 SEP 96 SUBJ: Ships in the Night By Lawrence Bush I had only just arrived at the club when I bumped into Roger. After we had exchanged a few pleasantries, he lowered his voice and asked, "What do you think of Martha and I as a potential twosome?" "That," I replied, "would be a mistake. Martha and me is more like it." "You're interested in Martha?" "I'm interested in clear communication." "Fair enough," he agreed. "May the best man win." Then he sighed. "Here I thought we had a clear path to becoming a very unique couple." "You couldn't be a very unique couple, Roger." "Oh? And why is that?" "Martha couldn't be a little pregnant, could she?" "Say what? You think that Martha and me...." "Martha and I." "Oh." Roger blushed and set down his drink. "Gee, I didn't know." "Of course you didn't," I assured him. "Most people don't." "I feel very badly about this." "You shouldn't say that: I feel bad...." "Please, don't," Roger said. "If anyone's at fault here, it's me!" ========================< H U M O U R N E T >======================= SUBJ: Quasi-Canonical List of Oxymorons Act naturally Advanced BASIC Airline food Almost exactly Alone together British fashion Business ethics Butt head California culture Childproof Christian Scientists Clearly misunderstood Computer jock Computer security Definite maybe Diet ice cream Exact estimate Found missing Genuine imitation Good grief Government organization Legally drunk Living dead Microsoft Works Military intelligence New classic "Now, then ..." Passive aggression Peace force Plastic glasses Political science Pretty ugly Rap music Religious tolerance Resident alien Safe sex Same difference Sanitary landfill Silent scream Small crowd Soft rock Software documentation Sweet sorrow Synthetic natural gas Taped live Temporary tax increase Terribly pleased "This page intentionally left blank" Tight slacks Twelve-ounce pound cake Working vacation ========================< H U M O U R N E T >======================= SUBJ: Decimating the Language Leroy is an 18-year-old fourth grader who is becoming increasingly disillusioned with the public school system. One day, Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do was put each of the following vocabulary words in a sentence. Here's what he wrote. [Editor's Note: Leroy attends the "Barnyard Rundown Elementary School" in Newark, New Jersey, so he's not exactly starting off in the pole position, if you get my drift. ] 1. HOTEL: I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody. 2. RECTUM: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both. 3. DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to da big house. 4. FORECLOSE: If I pay alimony this month, I have no money FORCLOSE. 5. CATACOMB: Don King was at the fight the other night, man, somebody give that CATACOMB. 6. ISRAEL: Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL. 7. UNDERMINE: There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE. 8. STAIN: My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again. 9. SELDOM: My cousin give me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I SELDOM. 10. HORDE: My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school. 11. FORTIFY: I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY. ========================< H U M O U R N E T >======================= SUBJ: More Newspaper Headlines * Grandmother of eight makes hole in one * Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing * House passes gas tax onto senate * Two convicts evade noose, jury hung * William Kelly was fed secretary * Milk drinkers are turning to powder * Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted * Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency * Child's death ruins couple's holiday ========================< H U M O U R N E T >======================= SUBJ: Tracing it Back >From the front page of the Potomac News, Woodbridge, Virginia, 6 July 1996: "First person in U.S. has rare strain of HIV" [Editor's Note: Omigosh -- it all started with ... COLUMBUS! ] [Editor's Note II: You've really got to hate it when notes like *this* become necessary: Yes, I *know* that Columbus wasn't the first person in the U.S.; TIA to everyone who was poised to explain that fact to me. ] ========================< H U M O U R N E T >======================= SUBJ: More Analogies From "The Style Invitational" She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington) His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond) She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-base coach. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen since the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D." (John Kammer, Herndon) Upon completing kindergarten, Lance felt the same sense of accomplishment the Unabomber feels every time he successfully blows up another college professor. (Anonymous, no city please) After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) You made my day, even a day as gray as white cotton sheets washed for decades in cold water without bleach like no self-respecting woman who came of age in the 1940s would allow in her house, much less on one of her beds, but up with which she must put whenever she visits one of her own daughters, just as if they had never been brought up right. (DEV, Madison, Wis) ******************************************************************** Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :-) ********************************************************************