Date: Thu, 9 Jan 1997 00:41:29 -0500 (EST)
From: Modern Things
Subject: BLAGUES-L: English Language Humour

Un peu long, ce matin.  Ca se feuillette.  Il y a plusieurs textes...


Collage 295           H u m o u r N e t           19 SEP 96


SUBJ: Ships in the Night
By Lawrence Bush

I had only just arrived at the club when I bumped into Roger. After
we had exchanged a few pleasantries, he lowered his voice and asked,
"What do you think of Martha and I as a potential twosome?"

"That," I replied, "would be a mistake. Martha and me is more like
it."

"You're interested in Martha?"

"I'm interested in clear communication."

"Fair enough," he agreed. "May the best man win." Then he sighed.
"Here I thought we had a clear path to becoming a very unique
couple."

"You couldn't be a very unique couple, Roger."

"Oh? And why is that?"

"Martha couldn't be a little pregnant, could she?"

"Say what? You think that Martha and me...."

"Martha and I."

"Oh." Roger blushed and set down his drink. "Gee, I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't," I assured him. "Most people don't."

"I feel very badly about this."

"You shouldn't say that: I feel bad...."

"Please, don't," Roger said. "If anyone's at fault here, it's me!"

========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================

SUBJ: Quasi-Canonical List of Oxymorons

Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
British fashion
Business ethics
Butt head
California culture
Childproof
Christian Scientists
Clearly misunderstood
Computer jock
Computer security
Definite maybe
Diet ice cream
Exact estimate
Found missing
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Legally drunk
Living dead
Microsoft Works
Military intelligence
New classic
"Now, then ..."
Passive aggression
Peace force
Plastic glasses
Political science
Pretty ugly
Rap music
Religious tolerance
Resident alien
Safe sex
Same difference
Sanitary landfill
Silent scream
Small crowd
Soft rock
Software documentation
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Taped live
Temporary tax increase
Terribly pleased
"This page intentionally left blank"
Tight slacks
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Working vacation

========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================

SUBJ: Decimating the Language

Leroy is an 18-year-old fourth grader who is becoming increasingly
disillusioned with the public school system.

One day, Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All he had to do
was put each of the following vocabulary words in a sentence.
Here's what he wrote.

[Editor's Note: Leroy attends the "Barnyard Rundown Elementary
School" in Newark, New Jersey, so he's not exactly starting off in
the pole position, if you get my drift. ]

1. HOTEL: I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody.

2. RECTUM: I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.

3. DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer tol me if I miss
DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to da big house.

4. FORECLOSE: If I pay alimony this month, I have no money
FORCLOSE.

5. CATACOMB: Don King was at the fight the other night, man,
somebody give that CATACOMB.

6. ISRAEL: Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that looks
fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.

7. UNDERMINE: There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in the apartment
UNDERMINE.

8. STAIN: My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.

9. SELDOM: My cousin give me two tickets to the Knicks game, so I
SELDOM.

10. HORDE: My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in
school.

11. FORTIFY: I axed da hoe how much? And she say FORTIFY.

========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================

SUBJ: More Newspaper Headlines

* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one

* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

* House passes gas tax onto senate

* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

* William Kelly was fed secretary

* Milk drinkers are turning to powder

* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

* Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

* Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

* Child's death ruins couple's holiday

========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================

SUBJ: Tracing it Back

>From the front page of the Potomac News, Woodbridge, Virginia,
6 July 1996:

"First person in U.S. has rare strain of HIV"

[Editor's Note: Omigosh -- it all started with ... COLUMBUS! ]

[Editor's Note II: You've really got to hate it when notes like
*this* become necessary: Yes, I *know* that Columbus wasn't the
first person in the U.S.; TIA to everyone who was poised to explain
that fact to me. ]

========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================

SUBJ: More Analogies From "The Style Invitational"

She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain,
and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the
recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph
Romm, Washington)

His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had
grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with
the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)

She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-base
coach. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

Having O.J. try on the bloody glove was a stroke of genius unseen
since the debut of Goober on "Mayberry R.F.D." (John Kammer,
Herndon)

Upon completing kindergarten, Lance felt the same sense of
accomplishment the Unabomber feels every time he successfully blows
up another college professor. (Anonymous, no city please)

After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel
relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his
bed. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

You made my day, even a day as gray as white cotton sheets washed
for decades in cold water without bleach like no self-respecting
woman who came of age in the 1940s would allow in her house, much
less on one of her beds, but up with which she must put whenever she
visits one of her own daughters, just as if they had never been
brought up right. (DEV, Madison, Wis)

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Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :-)
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