Date: Thu, 4 Apr 1996 15:44:39 -0500 (EST)
From: Ashlitten Broutentagenglut 
Subject: BLAGUES-L: What if people bought cars like they buy computers?


Elle en a fait du chemin celle-la!

From: Ntakirutimana Jean Berchmans
From: Abou Machoudi
From: Margaret Pollex
From: Melissa L Kelley
To: (lots of people)
From: Bev Tiffany


 What if people bought cars like they buy computers?

   General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't
know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy
computers      --but imagine if they did...

   ********************************************************
   HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
   CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
      happened!"
   HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
   CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"
   HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
      battery and turns over the engine."
   CUSTOMER:  "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine?  How come I
      have to know all of these technical terms just to use my
      car?"
   ********************************************************
   HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
   CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go
      anywhere!"
   HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"
   CUSTOMER:  "Huh?  How do I know?"
   HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with
      a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'.  Where is the
      needle pointing?"
   CUSTOMER:  "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
   HELPLINE:  "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
   CUSTOMER:  "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
   HELPLINE:  "A 'V'?!?" CUSTOMER:  "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H',
      the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
   HELPLINE:  "No, no, no sir!  That's the front of the car.
       When you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the
      panel I'm talking about."
   CUSTOMER:  "That steering wheel thingy--  Is that the round
      thing that honks the horn?"
   HELPLINE:  "Yes, among other things."
   CUSTOMER:  "The needle's pointing to 'E'.  What does that
      mean?"
   HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor
      and purchase some more gasoline.  You can install it
      yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
   CUSTOMER:  "What?  I paid $12,000 for this car!  Now you tell
      me that I have to keep buying more components?  I
      want a car that comes with everything built in!"
   ********************************************************
   HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
   CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"
   HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"
   CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
   HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"
   CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the
      accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a
      while, and then it crashed  -- and now it won't even start
      up!"
   HELPLINE:  "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you
      misuse the product."
   CUSTOMER:  "Misuse it?  I was just following this manual
      of yours.  It said to make the car go to put the
      transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal.
      That's exactly what I did -- now the thing's crashed."
   HELPLINE:  "Did you read the entire operator's manual before
      operating the car sir?"
   CUSTOMER:  "What?  Of course I did!  I told you I did
      EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn't work!"
   HELPLINE:  "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't
      crash?"
   CUSTOMER:  "How do you do THAT?"
   HELPLINE:  "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on
      page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
   CUSTOMER:  "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read
      this manual you know."
   HELPLINE:  "Of course not.  What do you expect us to do about
      it?"
   CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest versions
      that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"
   ********************************************************
   HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
   CUSTOMER:  "Hi!  I just bought my first car, and I chose your
      car because it has automatic transmission, cruise
      control, power steering, power brakes, and power door
      locks."
   HELPLINE:  "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"
   CUSTOMER:  "How do I work it?"
   HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"
   CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"
   HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
   CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person!  I just want to go
      places in my car!"
   ********************************************************

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