Date: Thu, 29 Feb 1996 15:09:06 -0500 (EST)
From: Vezina Marie-Helene

The ULTIMATE MEN VS. WOMEN EMAIL
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A compiled edition from various sources

Women have many faults
Men only have 2
Everything they say
And everything they do

RELATIONSHIPS

First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it
as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she
will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup at
3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to
let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you,
and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance
for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call,
that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely
prove effective.

SEX

Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place
as part of the foreplay.

MATURITY

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as
adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work
out.

HATS

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

COMEDY

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele-
vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men
will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even try to
imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge.

The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.

HANDWRITING

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles
and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It
is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you,
she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

MAGAZINES

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the
female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and
lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

GROCERIES

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys
these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and
something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter, his cart is
packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley Hillbillies. Of
course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

GOING OUT

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.

When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to
go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her
makeup...

SHOES

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag
from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.

A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

LEG WARMERS

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she
wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

MIRRORS

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...

GARAGES

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they
watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

MOVIES

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."

For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in
"Public Enemy."

JEWELRY

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that,
and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

MENOPAUSE

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a
snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.

THE TELEPHONE

Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to
send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

LOW BLOWS

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and
one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says, "Oh, gee, that must hurt."

The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

DIRECTIONS:

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask
for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying
things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know
I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

ADMITTING MISTAKES

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works
out at the health club and dates only married women.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...

A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

NUDITY IN MOVIES

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This
is another reason why men hate him.

DAVID LETTERMAN

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

CAMERAS

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-
of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Insta-matics, and often produce better-looking shots.

POLITICS

Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
things such as voting.

Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys are growing up and
getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and
cry on election night.

LOCKER ROOMS

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms,
either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

LAUNDRY

Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical
pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside
out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat, and
expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

WEDDINGS

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."

Men talk about "the bachelor party."

CHEERLEADERS

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.

Male cheerleaders are scary.

GYM SOCKS

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures
of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

TOYS

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or
12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their
toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens toys:
miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic
equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, and
anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to
operate.

PLANTS

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment
full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES

Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

NICKNAMES

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like
"Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If
Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call
each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Peckerhead, Scumbag, and Louse.

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