Date: Fri, 7 Jun 1996 00:27:37 -0400 (EDT) From: Futur Web d'Or Subject: BLAGUES-L: Newspaper Headlines and Ads Date: Fri, 10 May 96 10:04:16 MDT From: Lucie Langlois From: Brian_Jagan_at_AMS-Notes Some are repeats, but the ads are pretty funny..... "Actual Newspaper Headlines" Include your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Farmer Bill Dies in House Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Stud Tires Out Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Eye Drops off Shelf Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training "Advertisements and such" Dogs: - Lost: Small apricot poodle - Reward. Neutered, just like one of the family. - Dog For Sale: Great Dames - Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children. >From the Kitchen: - A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms. - 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, broiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings - Dinner Special - Chicken or Beef _2.25; Turkey _2.35; Children _2.00 Antiques: - For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. - For sale: Four-posted bed, 101 years old, Perfect for antique lover. Vacation: - Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. - Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. - The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities. Wanted: - Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory. - Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night. - Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop. - Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, 200 a month; References required. - Wanted: Girl to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross. - Wanted: Mother's helper, peasant working conditions. - Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires a person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family. - Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool; Experience preferred. - Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. Services: - Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included. - Ears pierced - while you wait! - Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it. - We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. - Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it. Miscellaneous: - Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too. - Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition. - Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last. - Stock up and save. Limit: one per customer - See ladies blouses. 50% off! - Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. - Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops! - Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first! - Christmas tag-sale. Hand made gifts for the hard-to-find person. - Modular Sofas. Only _299 For rest or fore play - Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, and you'll never go anywhere again. - Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. - Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. - And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. - We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for _1. Radio Spots: - Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure. - When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and the u-p after. - Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. - Illiterate? Write for free information.