Date: Wed, 14 Aug 1996 23:13:38 -0400 (EDT)
From: Bien Nettoye 
Subject: BLAGUES-L: Movie Stuff...

Collage 287           H u m o u r N e t            9 AUG 96

____________________________________________________________________

SUBJ: Computers in Movies: The Standard Cliche List
Apparently compiled by Giancarlo Cairella

1. Word processors never display a cursor.

2. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

3. All monitors display inch-high letters.

4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or
some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand
graphical interfaces.

5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based
command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands
typed in plain English.

6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by
simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by
simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")

8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on
the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the
screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the
screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really*
advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright
flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that
forces you backward.

11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without
saving the data.

12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world
before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See
"Demolition Man" and countless others)

14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will
be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data
at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the
file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present
Danger")

17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked
for a password when you try to access it.

18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable
by any system you put it into. All application software is usable
by all computer platforms.

19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has
("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained,
because the buttons aren't labeled.

20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics
capability.

21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY
Y-MP.

22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright
that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")

[Editor's Note: Computers also never experience crashes -- especially
during key, high-intensity scenes. ]

========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================

SUBJ: 'Movie Critic at LARGE' Movie Reviews
Copyright 1993-96 Andrew Hicks / Fatboy Productions

[Editor's Note: There are *tons* of these; I just picked a few that
I really liked for inclusion here. ]

Glory:
After the slaves were freed, blacks were finally able to join
society. The first all-black Army regiment was formed in 1864 and,
shortly after, the first all-black NBA basketball team was formed as
well. No one expects the all-black regiment to ever be granted
permission to fight in the battles, but Broderick pulls a few
strings and, viola, there they are, getting gunned down like cattle
the next day. Only in America, I tell you.

Halloween II:
Killer Michael Meyers is still as slow as ever, but he manages to
track down an injured Jamie Lee Curtis, who has enough time while
being stalked to change her hair color from brown to blond. This
time we finally find out why Meyers is so bent on killing Jamie
Lee... and no, it's not because she's a bad actress.

Star Trek Generations:
We do see the death of Captain Kirk in Generations. At least Kirk
gets to bid Captain Picard a tearful farewell, his last words being
something about letting Picard keep the $20 deposit if he gets
Kirk's rental hairpiece back to the store before midnight.

You Only Live Twice:
What cracked me up in the first few movies I watched was that even
the women who hated James Bond and were out to kill him still ended
up in the sack with him, not to mention all the women he'd just met
who stopped everything to get horizontal with him. When you calculate
three women a movie times seventeen movies and figure in the statistic
that 25% of people in the world carry some sort of venereal disease,
Bond should have more than enough to mix, match and trade with his
friends. Not to mention all the illegitimate 003-1/2's he's fathered
around the world.

========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================

SUBJ: Rejected Titles For The Movie "Twister"

16. "Totally Gone With The Wind"

15. "Lift and Separate"

14. "Boys on the Side -- Of My Barn"

13. "The Weather Channel: The Movie"

12. "Schindler's Twist"

11. "Field of Debris"

10. "Dead Man Flying"

9. "I, Cumulus"

8. "One House Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"

7. "The Splintered Bridges of Madison County"

6. "Wizard of Oz II: The Search For Toto"

5. "Killer Genuine Draft"

4. "Four Weddings & A Funnel"

3. "Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom"

2. "A Funnel Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm"

1. "Roofless in Seattle"

========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================

SUBJ: Things That Will Never Happen on Seinfeld

1. A character dumps his/her girlfriend/boyfriend for a good reason.

2. Susan (George's fiancee if anyone doesn't know) lets George keep
any sort of private information secret.

3. A character goes out with someone for a full week and doesn't
have sex.

4. Kramer knocks before entering Jerry's apartment.

5. Kramer gets evicted for not paying his rent since he has no source
of income.

6. The owner of the diner at which Jerry and the gang hang out kicks
them out for sitting there for 30 minutes without ordering anything.

========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================

SUBJ: Movie Translations
Compiled by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book
_Sex_&_Zen_&_a_Bullet_in_the_Head_, to be published by Fireside.]

These are excerpted from a list of English subtitles used in films
made in Hong Kong:

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

[Editor's Note: Those frisky Hong Kongers ... ]

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice
chicken.

11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

18. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

========================< H U M O U R N E T >=======================

SUBJ: Independence Day -- the Sequel
By Randy Cassingham

"Aliens arrive from space and destroy Washington. But later they
turn out to be hostile."

Yeah, yeah, but you know Hollywood: what about the SEQUEL?

In ID4, Jeff Goldblum saves the world with his Powerbook.

In ID4-2, "Alien's Revenge," we discover that a REAL nerd could have
wiped them out completely, the first time, using four lines of
assembly language on his old Osborne.

[Editor's Note: Yes, but the Powerbook comes with network software
pre-installed, and sports a *much* nicer user interface. ]

********************************************************************
Anyone w/out a Sense of Humor Is At The Mercy of The Rest of Us. :-)
********************************************************************