Date: Wed, 23 Aug 1995 09:16:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: BLAGUES-L: 5 Toughest questions women ask

From: Philippe Reid
 
 The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers
      
 The five questions are:
 1 -  "What are you thinking?"
 2 -  "Do you love me?"
 3 -  "Do I look fat?"
 4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 
 5 -  "What would you do if I died?"
      
 What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to 
 explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not 
 answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
      
 1 -  "What are you thinking?"  The proper answer to this question, of 
 course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting 
 on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful 
 woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." 
 Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what 
 the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of 
 five things:
  a -  Baseball
  b -  Football
  c -  How fat you are.
  d -  How much prettier she is than you.
  e -  How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
      
 According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
 question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it 
 by his wife, Peg.  "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking 
 instead of thinking."
      
 The other questions also have only one right answer but many 
 wrong answers:
      
 2 -  "Do you love me?"  The correct answer to this question is, 
 "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you 
 may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
  a -  I suppose so.
  b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes. 
  c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
  d -  Does it matter?
  e -  Who, me?
      
 3 -  "Do I look fat?"  The correct male response to this question is to 
 confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then 
 quickly leave the room.  Wrong answers include:
  a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. 
  b -  Compared to what?
  c -  A little extra weight looks good on you. 
  d -  I've seen fatter.
  e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your 
       insurance policy.     
      
 4 -  "Do you think she's prettier than me?"  The "she" in the question 
 could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard 
 thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you 
 just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much 
 prettier." Wrong answers include:
  a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
  b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things. 
  c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
  d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
  e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your 
       insurance policy.
      
  5 -  "What would you do if I died?"  Correct answer:  "Dearest love, 
 in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have 
 meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front 
 tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."  This 
 might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the 
 following stupid joke:
      
  "Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"
  "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.  "Why 
   do you ask such a question?"
  "Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife. "No, 
  of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't 
  you like being married?" said the wife. "Of 
  course I do, dear" he said.
  "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
  "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
  "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. 
  "Yes" said the husband.
  "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long 
   pause.
  "Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.
  "I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my 
   old clothes?"
  "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
  "Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the 
   pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
  "Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do."
  "Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I suppose 
   you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
  "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."