Date: Wed, 14 Jun 1995 18:03:16 -0400 (EDT) From: Jocelyn G CANONICAL LIST OF ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES (edite par Jocelyn G lui-meme!) Maintained by Alan Silverstein Last update: 950310 --- machine themes --- C'mon... you can do it... just a little one. That's the way... just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon... good boy... here we go... like this -- beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon... There you go! Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it! Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll... don't even think about it!... Don't...! No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Computer style monotone:) Hello, I am the XS486 Mark Five answering machine. I am equipped with the new Pentium processor to assure that nothing can go wrong... Gowrong... Grong.. Grong gronggronggrongBEEP Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you? Hello. This is Mark and Nathan's phone. We're not here right now, but the phone is. Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!) Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag. (Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone. (MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible. Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding. Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal. Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that. (2001, A Space Odyssey) Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. (Double speed: Insert standard long-winded message here.) (or) (Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec. If you are calling to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation, please press 1 and hang up now. If you are selling any product or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2 and hang up now. Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now. Pressing 3 is optional. Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone. This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. --- authority figures --- Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell. Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike. The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password. You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day. (Clint Eastwood voice:) Go ahead, make my day. Leave a message. Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you. (Caller thinks they dialed long distance.) (Imitating Mr. Rogers:) Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could. This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air... (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking... Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day. Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want? Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you. --- odd organizations --- Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible. This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious". Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail! Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern... (To scare off annoying liberals:) Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message... You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible. (or) Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't TOO serious, leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day. Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up. Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible. (Stoned, slow voice:) Hey brother, you have reached the Narcotics Information Hotline. None of us can answer the phone right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists. Leave a message. Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air. (or) Hello, you're caller number nine! You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we'll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show. Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72... Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible. Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling. You've reached the B&D Hotline. All our operators are tied up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you with your penance. --- mainly musical theme --- (Beethoven's Fifth:) Nobody's home. Why did you phone? Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone, And we will call you back as soon as we get home. Your message here, After the tone, Here is the tone... tone... BEEP ("If I Only Had A Brain":) (from "The Wizard of Oz") I might be in the shower, I might be gone for hours, I can't come to the phone. So, please leave your name and number, If I miss you it'd be a bummer, Leave your message at the tone... ("Raiders of the Lost Ark" in background:) You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we'll get back to you. --- family fun --- Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if... Matt: Steve, what are you doing? Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn. Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn. Steve: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD) Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number. This is Fred. We are not... Excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (Sound of window breaking.) Great! What a mess. I'll have to get back to you later. Hello. I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over... (Loud music cuts in:) BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner. After the tone... BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...Shit... Leave a message after the tone... My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color. --- can't answer right now because... --- I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Slobinskis's house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb. I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back. Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. (Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message. (Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now. They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper bag. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. (or) Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say? --- you're in big trouble --- (Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll hear from Guido! (Laughter.) The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS! Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that. This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. Shhh! Don't talk, just listen! Meet me at the corner of Broad and Main and bring the girl. (CLICK) --- befuddle the caller --- The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it. Thank you for calling the Peoria Weather Line. (Insert appropriate weather report for the season here.) Please leave a tone after the message. Hi, you have reached Richard. I'm sorry, but my answering machine is out of order, so the voice you are hearing is actually me. (Fairly boring message:) This is John. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I'll return your call. (Now, re-record the message every morning. Frequent callers will notice that something sounds different, but will be confused since the words are exactly the same.) The party you dialed is not available. Your call is being diverted to an alternate number. Please stand by... (Ring...) The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator. (Click, beep, dial tone.) Creamed asparagus! BEEP Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP (Pick up the phone and say:) This is Chris. I'm not here right now. Leave me a message. BEEP. (Then listen.) I just got a car phone. I'm not here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out. This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message. Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number. Wrong number? No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone anyway. (Deadpan voice:) Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me? We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again. Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT. This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it. Ahhhhhhhhh... ahhhhhhhhhh... (Heavy breathing sounds, like an obscene phone call.) Oh, nuts, YOU called ME! Sorry. Never mind. Leave your name and number at the beep. (And here's a way to befuddle the *callee* rather than the caller: Record someone's answering machine message as you hear it, and then play it back to them as your message to them. Repeat over time until something interesting happens.) (Another way to befuddle the callee; leave a message like this: "Hello. This is a message for, message for, message for, message for," and then hang up.) --- other play with the caller --- Listen. (Pause.) And now talk. Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah. BEEP OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions? (Classical music:) This is our answering machine. (Switch to heavy metal racket:) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any message? Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're welcome! You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone. Elleuw, Eenspector, ahem, CHIEF Eenspector Clewseau ees not een the rheum to answer the pheuwne at the meument, so stop acteeng lahk a minkey, you FUEWL, and leave a mesSAGE... (Oriental voice:) Excuse me, Inspectah Clouseau, I just leceived special derively for you, here sir... Ah, thank you, Kato. How naice eet ees to have people send you a pretty leetle beuhmb for a birthday present, and eet ees not even my birth -- a BEUHMB? It's a beuhmb!!! (Muffled explosion.) Hello. Here are my answers to last week's messages, in order of their arrival. Yes. Maybe. At seven. You'll get it tomorrow. For sure. Get me that phone number. Thanks, I take my messages on Mondays. (Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message. In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. (Heeeeee-YAH! Sound of smashing box of kleenex.) But this method doesn't work with a telephone call... (Dial tone.) Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE! Knock, knock. (Pause. Caller thinks, "Who's there?") Isn't that *my* question? (Pause.) Please leave a message... Yo. I ain't here at the moment. Leave a message at that silly beep and I'll get back... (Sniff, sniff...) Hey, what are you cooking? It smells good. Bridge, Kirk here. (Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future. Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer. --- brevity --- (Like a sheep:) Baaaaaaa. You have reached 555-6238. Why? This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when, and I'll... You know. You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do. You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep. This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.) --- miscellaneous --- Please leave us a message at the beep. And remember: It's not the quantity of the message that counts, it's the quality. (A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:) Hi, this is Kathy. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better. --- farewell --- Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.